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Happy Wednesday, everybody. Yes, you are amazing. What a glorious Wednesday it is. For one, Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, seen here having her prostate checked, became Chicago’s first incumbent mayor in 40 years to lose re-election. Congrats, Lori. She deserves it because she broke another glass ceiling. She was the first Black lesbian mayor of Chicago, but now she’s the worst mayor ever, which sadly means no Black lesbian mayors for awhile in Chicago. Way to ruin it for them.
She got roughly 17% of the vote. So even if her fan base from the Cook County Jail population, all 5,700 of them voted, still wasn’t enough. Losing to former head of Chicago Public School, Paul Vallas and Cook County Commissioner Brandon Johnson, they took 34 and 20% of the vote, respectively, and will now head to a runoff to determine the next mayor. That was boring. It was. I should’ve just cut all that out. We didn’t care about those numbers. My fault. But now, this is supposedly good news.
But why is it news at all? It shouldn’t be news when the worst mayor in the country loses. This should be expected. But it wasn’t. Why is that? Well, it’s because it’s news that she lost despite having more protection than a Fort Knox full of condoms. Lightfoot was a historical first, of course. First Black female lesbian Chicago mayor. Perhaps also a garden gnome, a woodland nymph, a magical imp, a Ghost of Christmas Past, Medusa. But because of that, the media cut her more slack than a tailor on meth.
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But as she found out, you can’t just run a city into the ground and then accuse people of racism and misogyny once those people find out you suck, which is exactly what she did after she lost, blamed it on the voters for being racist. When a reporter asked if she’d been treated unfairly, she answered, quote, “I’m a Black woman in America. Of course.” Yeah, that makes sense. Racist, sexist, homophobes gave her a chance to be mayor, but only once. So now, she chalks up her loss to fictitious white supremacists. She’s like a masculine version of Jussie Smollett. Did I get that reversed?
Of course, her loss is a win for Chicago and a lesson for everyone else in politics. So are you listening, Eric Adams, Karen Bass, London Breed, Muriel Bowser, Ted Wheeler, Jacob Frey? Maybe voters in a deep blue city finally said this experiment with dangerous, infantile lefties is finally over and ticking boxes only creates more boxes, except we call them coffins. True, if you’re a progressive and want to set some records while in office, make sure it isn’t for number of murders. Under her, the city’s homicide rate rose to its highest numbers in 25 years. They haven’t seen that many slaughter since Michael Jordan was thin.
The city saw 695 murders in 2022 and 804 in 2021. So I did some math. At that pace, if Lori got elected for four more years, at the end of her second term, Chicago’s population would be the same as Gilligan’s Island. Right now, if you’re a kid in Chicago, you’re just as likely to go outside and catch a bullet as you are a cold. Anyway, here’s her concession speech.
LORI LIGHTFOOT: We fought the right fights and we put this city on a better path. I’m grateful that we’ve worked together to remove a record number of guns off our streets, reduced homicides, and started making real progress on public safety.
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So she reduced murders under her watch, but only after she presided over an explosion in murders under her watch? That’s like Biden saying gas costs slightly fewer arms and legs. That makes sense. Anyway, I haven’t seen someone that delusional since Rachel Levine tried on a two-piece. But I’m sure she’ll land on her feet. It’s hard not to when you wear a size 14 and a homeless guy’s head. But lefties always get another job. If she’s not teaching at Harvard, she’ll be a spokesperson for Spirit Halloween.
Of course, the bigger question is, will other Democrat mayors with cities overrun by crime take note of Lightfoot getting the boot? We do know that several Democratic mayors are finally waking up to doing something about homelessness, committing the deranged to treatment. Meanwhile, others are distancing themselves from the Defund the Police movement like it’s MS-13 with monkey pox.
So ironically, the woke is finally getting a wake up call. Let’s hope they don’t hit the snooze button because people are tired of being dead. To put it another way, they’re dead tired of incompetence being protected by diversity. And they don’t want a mayor that reminds you of Beetlejuice. Although, I’m going to miss those hemlines for her slacks. I used to do that. Further proof she steals her pants off shopping mall security guards.