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All right. But we’re also going to try something out here. We’re breaking new ground. It’s time for. Scratch and sniff monologues. This has never been done, and probably for good reason. But it’s true. At any moment, you, dear viewers, will be asked to scratch the TV screen when an image appears. And then you have to guess what that image smells like. I know there’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. But isn’t this fun? It’s a special treat for all of you at home and for our fans watching for free at Best Buy. So let’s go to the first one. 

There you go. The scratch and sniff. All right, get up there. Get up. Just great. Smell it, smell it. Smell your fingers. Oh. Get up there. All right. What’s that smell like? What’s that about? Now, if you guessed Parmesan cheese, you win. But we will accept Crisco because we know he does. Disgusting. 

All right. According to new leaked audio obtained by The Washington Examiner. Hunter claims his dad viewed him as a god. And if that’s not an argument for atheism, what is? 

But Hunter could be confused every time he called his dad to tell him what kind of trouble he was in, Joe would say, Oh, God, what did you do now? 

The recording was stored on that laptop, we were told was Russian disinformation by this lady. You remember her? All right, get up there. Get up there. You get 2 seconds to smell her. What does she smell like? Does she smell like a new career? You’re right. But we would have taken Russian dressing. 


Anyway. Let’s go to Hunter. I wonder if we’ll talk about anything. 

HUNTER BIDEN RECORDING: We’ll talk about anything that I want him to that he believes in. If I say this is important to me, then he will work a way in which to make it a part of his of his platform. The man I most admire in the world, that god to me, thinks I’m a god. And my brother did too … and the three of us. It was literally I had the support to know I can do anything. 

Yeah. Including his brother’s wife. Yeah. Anyway. Hunter claims his dad would do anything he said, which must have made the hookers very nervous. Speaking of Pop. Here you go. All right. What’s that smell like? Get up really close. Take a deep breath. Is it disaster? Is it incompetence? How about a loaded pair of Depends and some polygrip? 

Well, yesterday he put on quite a show at the AFL-CIO. With every clip more viral than a bucket full of Monkeypox, which, by the way, is the new Ben and Jerry’s flavor. But he doesn’t want to hear any more of these lies. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: I don’t want to hear any more of these lies about reckless spending, we’re changing people’s lives. 

Hey, we’re changing people’s lives. That’s true, actually. My neighbor Phil now demands to be called Phyllis. We’re actually closer now yesterday I went bra shopping with him. It’s difficult. 

But if Joe is changing people’s lives, how is that a positive? Polio changed lives, too. I’m not saying Joe is like polio, or am I? It doesn’t matter, because I bet his plan is simple. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: My plan is simple. First, I’m doing everything in my power to blunt Putin’s gas price hike. It’s going to take time, but let the world coordinate the largest release. Would I be able to do the largest release of oil from the Global Fund in history. 

He didn’t even like the sentences he started with. I mean, that was a mess and it wasn’t true. But okay, because this plan isn’t finished. Like that sentence and the results aren’t finished either. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: That’s why my plan is not finished and why the results aren’t finished either. 

The results aren’t finished. That’s the same thing the plastic surgeon said about Michael Jackson’s face. Oh, what? Too soon. It’s the only thing that remains. 

So what’s his solution for a flailing economy? I bet all he’s asking for is for the largest corporations and wealthiest Americans to pay their fair share. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: All I’m asking is for the largest corporations and the wealthiest Americans to begin to pay their fair share in taxes. 

Yeah, we wouldn’t mind paying our fair share if we weren’t already. But he’s right. Paying $5 a gallon for gasoline and $6 a pound for a hamburger isn’t fair at all to us. I always knew living in New York I’d eventually get mugged. I just didn’t think it would be by my butcher. 


And by the way, since when is raising taxes a solution for inflation? We’re already getting taxed by rising prices. And now you want to add more? It’s like he has only one tool to fix 20 different problems. 

He’s a proctologist whose only medical instrument is a hand grenade. Yeah, at least he’s not coughing. I’m not joking. Yeah. Last time I coughed like that, I was being checked for a hernia by Kevin Spacey. Sorry. No doubt Joe’s been exposed to COVID-19, but it’s COVID 1819. But America still has a choice to make. 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: America still has a choice to make. 

So do we impeach you now or invoke the 25th Amendment? And what about those better paying jobs? 

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Better paying jobs? For better jobs for them and their families. It’s been a long time since that’s happened in this country. 

Yeah. Long time. You got to harken all the way back to 2020. Oh, those were the days. 

So why is everything so bad now? Well, instead of focusing on the economy, his woke White House targeted parents at school boards, elevated identity over education, made sure every job appointment was a historic first and historic worst instead of prioritizing competence and now under Biden, even tampons are in short supply. If that’s not a war on women, I’m Joy Behar. And how do you know that I’m not? Yeah. We could pass for twins if I stopped shaving my back. 

But that doesn’t affect Joe because nothing does. He’s just along for the ride and he’s not even driving. And that’s why as gas prices soar, it’s also not his problem. The last time he was behind the wheel, it was when a Secret Service member pulled him around the White House grounds in a red wagon. 

And so we got a president who not only does not feel your pain, he’s not even thinking about it. Only one thing at a time. And that thing is usually, how do I climb the stairs? 

He’s no figure for a crisis. Look, I know my limitations. If I’m at a party and you need some drinks, I’ll make them. But if someone starts choking, I’d be as useless as Dr. Jill Biden. In that kind of emergency I’ll disappear quicker than Jesse Watters when the check arrives. We need someone to throw us a life saver here. Not a dumb dumb, huh? I wonder what Joe has to say.

STAFFER IMITATING BIDEN: Hey, come on, man. Look, look, look. I’m sick and tired of it, man. Hey, look, I know some things are more expensive, gas, but some things are less expensive. You got to look around. And, I mean, look at this. My pillow. I just got this guy’s having a two for one. Practically giving them away. And have you priced LP records lately? Look at this. These cost ten bucks. Dollar-fifty on eBay. All right. Macho, macho man. They got everything on there. I got a little over a dollar. How about this? $0.99 Cher’s greatest hits. Look, I think she was better after she left Ike Turner. 

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