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This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on June 15, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Laugh away, you sloppy clappers. Laugh like your life depended on it because it does. All right. I hope this works. Happy Wednesday, everyone. We have a great show tonight. Judge Jeanine is joining us. And why not? I have pictures of her.

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Oh.

GUTFELD: You know it’s illegal to ride poodles dressed up as a cowgirl. Just checking. All right. But we’re also going to try something out here, we’re breaking new ground. It’s time for.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Scratch and sniff monologues.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: This has never been done and probably for good reason. But it’s true. At any moment you dear viewer will be asked to scratch the T.V. screen when an image appears. And then you have to guess what that image smells like.

I know. There’s something wrong with me. There’s something wrong with me. But isn’t this fun? It’s a special treat for all of you at home and for our fans watching for free at Best Buy. So, let’s go to the first one.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. All right. Huh? Huh? Oh, yes. There you go. The scratch and sniff. All right, get up there. Get up to your screen. Smell it, smell it, smell your fingers. Get up there. All right. What’s that smell like? What’s that? So right now if you guessed Parmesan cheese, you win.

PIRRO: Very good.

GUTFELD: But we will accept Crisco. Because we know he does. Disgusting. All right. According to new leaked audio obtained by the Washington Examiner, Hunter claims his dad viewed him as a god. And if that’s not an argument for atheism, what is? But hunter could be confused. Every time he called his dad to tell him what kind of trouble he was in, Joe would say, oh, god, what did you do now?

The recording was stored on that laptop we were told was Russian disinformation by this lady. Remember her? All right, get up there. Get up there. You get two seconds to smell her. What does she smell like? Does she smell like a new career? You’re right. But we would have taken Russian dressing. Anyway, let’s go to Hunter. I wonder if we’ll talk about anything.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

HUNTER BIDEN, PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN’S SON: We’ll talk about anything that I wanted to that he believes in. If I say this is important to me, then he will work away in which to make it a part of his of his — of his platform. The man I most admire in the world that god to me thinks I’m a god. And my brother did too. And the three of us, it was literally I had the support to know. I can do anything.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, including his brother’s wife. Anyway, Hunter claims his dad would do anything he said which must have made the hookers very nervous. Speaking up, pop. Here you go. All right. What’s that smell like? Get really close, take a deep whiff. Is it disaster? Is it incompetence? How about a loaded pair of depends and some Poligrip?

Well, yesterday put on quite a show at the AFL CIO with every clip more viral than a bucket full of monkey pox, which by the way, is the new Ben and Jerry’s flavor. But he doesn’t want to hear any more of these lies.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JOE BIDEN, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I don’t want to hear any more of these lies about reckless spending. We’re changing people’s lives.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: We’re changing people’s lives. That’s true actually. My neighbor Phil now demands to be called Phyllis. We’re actually closer now, yesterday I went bra shopping with him. It’s difficult. But if Joe is changing people’s lives, how is that a positive? Polio changed lives too. I’m not saying Joe is like polio. Or am I?

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: You are.

GUTFELD: Am I? It doesn’t matter because I bet his plan is simple.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: My plan is simple. First, I’m doing everything in my power to blunt Putin’s gas price hike. It’s going to take time to let the world coordinate the largest release what I’ve been able to do with the largest release of oil in — from the Global Fund in history.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: He didn’t even like the sentences he started with. I’m done. I mean, that was a mess. And it wasn’t true. But OK, because his plan isn’t finished, like that sentence. And the results aren’t finished either.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: That’s why my plan is not finished and why the results aren’t finished either.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: The results aren’t finished. That’s the same thing the plastic surgeon said about Michael Jackson’s face. Oh, what? Too soon? It’s the only thing that remains. So what’s his solution for a flailing economy? I bet all he’s asking for is for the largest corporations and wealthiest Americans to pay their fair share.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: All I’m asking is for the largest corporations and the wealthiest Americans to begin to pay their fair share in taxes.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. We wouldn’t mind paying our fair share if we weren’t already. But he’s right, paying $5.00 a gallon for gasoline and $6.00 a pound for hamburger isn’t fair at all to us. I always knew living in New York, I’d eventually get mugged. I just didn’t think it would be my — by my butcher. And by the way, since when he’s raising taxes as solution for inflation, we’re already getting taxed by rising prices.

And now you want to add more? It’s like it’s only one tool to fix 20 different problems. He’s a proctologist whose only medical instrument is a hand grenade. Yes. At least he’s not coughing.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: I’m not joking.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You know, last time I coughed like that I was being checked for a hernia by Kevin Spacey. Sorry. No doubt Joe’s been exposed to COVID-19 but it’s COVID-1819. But America still has a choice to make.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: America still has a choice to make.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: True. Do we impeach you now or invoke the 25th Amendment? And what about those better paying jobs?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

BIDEN: Better paying jobs, for better jobs for them and their families. It’s been a long time since that’s happened in this country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes, long time. You got to harken all the way back to 2020. Oh, those were the days. So, why is everything so bad now? Well, instead of focusing on the economy, his woke White House targeted parents at school boards elevated identity over education, major every job appointment was a historic first and to historic worst, instead of prioritizing competence. And now under Biden, even tampons are in short supply.

If that’s not a war on women, I’m Joy Behar. And how do you know that I’m not? We could pass for twins if I stopped shaving my back. But that doesn’t affect Joe because nothing does. He’s just along for the ride and he’s not even driving. And that’s why as gas prices soar it’s also not his problem. The last time he was behind the wheel it was when his secret service member pulled them around the White House grounds in a red wagon.

So we got a president who not only does not feel your pain, he’s not even thinking about it. Only one thing at a time and that thing is usually how do I climb the stairs? He’s no figure for a crisis. Look, I know my limitations. If I’m at a party and you need some drinks, I’ll make them but if someone starts choking, I’d be as useless as Dr. Jill Biden. And that kind of emergency I’ll disappear quicker that Jesse Watters when the check arrives.

We need someone to throw us a lifesaver here, not a dumb-dumb, huh? I wonder what Joe has to say.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TOM SHILLUE, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Hey, hey, hey, come on, man. Look, look. I’m sick and tired of a man, look, I know some things are more expensive, gas and — but some things are less expensive. You got to look around. I mean look at this. My pillow. I just got — this guy’s having a two for one. Frankly given them away. And have you priced L.P. records lately? Look at this. These costs 10 bucks. $1.50 on eBay.

All right? Macho, macho man. They get — they get everything on there. All right? That a little over dollar. How about this? 99 cents. Cher’s greatest hits. Look, I think she was better after she left Tina Turner. Do you believe a love after love?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Period.

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guests. Criminals asked bailiffs to protect them from her. Co- host to “THE FIVE” Judge Jeanine Pirro. He’s so chiseled Michelangelo is jealous. Host of Can’t Cancel by Rob Smith. Rob Smith. She once got a noise complaint from an air horn. Fox News Contributor Kat Timpf. And his jumping jacks register on the Richter scale. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television champion, Tyrus.

Judge, welcome to the show.

PIRRO: Thank you.

GUTFELD: You look very well pollinated.

PIRRO: Well, thank you. What does that mean? You like my flowers?

GUTFELD: Yes, I like your flowers. You’re blooming.

PIRRO: That’s enough.

GUTFELD: It is enough. It is enough, Judge. Welcome to the show. How did you like the scratch and sniff segment?

PIRRO: Oh, I love it.

GUTFELD: That was an — that was an experiment.

PIRRO: Yes. I’ll tell you the most disgusting though was Joe Biden. I mean, that was really scary.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. What’s going on, Judge? What are we doing?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: — our country — what do we do? You have all the answers.

PIRRO: He’s destroying. Look, he — look, he — look. It’s all Russia’s fault. It’s all Putin’s fault. But you know what the problem is?

GUTFELD: What?

PIRRO: We only got eight percent of our oil from Putin. And then with the Ukraine war we cut down to nothing. But yet everything’s so Putin’s fault. He’s stupid or crazy. I don’t know which one it is.

GUTFELD: That is true. It’s only like eight percent. That makes sense.

PIRRO: It’s less than that now.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: It’s this war.

GUTFELD: Yes. That crazy. He’s pointing fingers, and I hate it when they point fingers. Rob. Especially they’re at me.

ROB SMITH, HOST, CAN’T CANCEL: Yes. Interesting. I think the interesting thing about the Hunter Biden stuff is that the man that Hunter Biden thinks — or excuse me, the man that Joe Biden thinks is a god is a crackhead which actually explains a lot of these policies that are coming out of this administration.

GUTFELD: Yes.

SMITH: And then when you watch Joe Biden, it’s like, he’s got two different things. Either he’s screaming at you or he’s doing that creepy little whisper which I’m glad didn’t happen. But it’s almost like he is that that meme of that old man yelling at a crowd. He — at a crowd. He is literally Abraham Simpson. That is who he is at this point.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I haven’t thought of old age Simpson in quite a while.

SMITH: Yes.

GUTFELD: It’s one of my favorite Simpsons after O.J., of course. Tyrus.

SMITH: Well, that’s everybody’s favorite Simpson.

GUTFELD: Everybody’s got a favorite Simpson. Ashley.

KAT TIMPF, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

GUTFELD: Anyway, why did that come into my brain? Tyrus, what did you think about this scratch and sniff? Give it a rating. Do you think it should be done again? Or should it be buried and forgotten?

TYRUS: I think it should be done on Mondays. I think it’d be a great thing on Mondays. I’ll watch it from home. And I will try it out and tell you how it works. So, and I’ll text you afterwards.

GUTFELD: Oh. Because you’re not on the show on Mondays.

TYRUS: Yes. You asked me a question about this or you just want to, you know —

GUTFELD: Do you get the impression that Democratic politics are all about knowing what’s better for you? And you don’t know what’s better for yourself. So they can get away with all of the austerity, austerity? Programs like high gas prices. Well, that in the end, that’s good for you, because it’s going to lower your gas consumption.

TYRUS: I think we’re getting kind of — you can combine the Hunter Biden situation with his policies.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It’s bad parenting.

GUTFELD: Oh.

TYRUS: Across the board. Now, he’s not responsible for his son’s actions but he is responsible for enabling his son’s actions.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TYRUS: If you’re a parent and your child is an adult, and he’s a drug addict, you don’t keep throwing more money on it. You cut him off.

GUTFELD: Right. That’s true.

TYRUS: You publicly let everyone know, he has a problem. You stepped down from office to take care of your family. As the senator, you should have been doing that. And you never should have ran for president knowing the issues that one of your own children — child has and he’s now made him a target. You take that. How is he governing? How is he running this country? What is he doing as a problem? He takes our money and throws it on it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And he can keep pulling it and throwing on it. So, forget all the espionage and right-wing stuff, whatever. Our president is a bad parent. And he’s running our country like a bad parent. And that’s why everything’s expensive and we’re all struggling.

(CROSSTALK)

SMITH: I would like to get emancipated.

GUTFELD: Yes. I am going to be a great parent by not having children.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Think about my non-kids are going to thank me like thank God, wherever they are. You know, Kat, let’s be honest. Of all the people in this in this studio, we know that Hunter was on coke.

TIMPF: Exactly. Like —

GUTFELD: In that conversation.

TIMPF: Yes. So I — many things can always be true at once. It’s obvious there’s some corruption going on in the Biden family. It’s equally obvious that that recording sounds like every man ever on cocaine. If, you know, if you did a study of things that people say when they’ve been coked out for days, I can do anything.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

TIMPF: Like he thinks I’m God.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Or probably right at the top.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And his voice is all raspy, he sounds like he’s been stuffing drugs for quite a while. So, I don’t doubt that even if none of it were true, he’d probably be feeling it. I mean, people who are coked out tend to have high estimations of their business abilities.

GUTFELD: That’s what makes him so dangerous in one way is that he wouldn’t shut up. Which is —

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: — cokeheads do is they never stopped talking. They’ll talk about anything, Judge. They’ll talk about their screenplay. By the way. So I have this idea. Half judge, half robot fighting aliens on an undiscovered planet that’s inside Earth.

PIRRO: OK. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: But what I want is — what I want to ask is how come the two of you know so much about what it’s like to be coked up?

TYRUS: They watched a lot of A&E.

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: How do you know this?

TYRUS: No. You know why he wrote a thesis —

(CROSSTALK)

SMITH: Because they watched the Hunter Biden documentary on Fox —

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: Wait a minute.

SMITH: That is why they know.

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: Wait a minute. Who narrated that documentary? I did. And I don’t know what they did.

TIMPF: I volunteer with underprivileged at it.

GUTFELD: Yes. And —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: And also for story like this, people — journalists real journalists like me have to do resource, right?

PIRRO: Of course. Of course.

GUTFELD: You have to get into the head of a cokehead.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Right?

PIRRO: Yes.

TYRUS: Here’s the office full of them right now. Interviewing him every week.

PIRRO: And I spent my life putting people like that, not you in jail.

GUTFELD: Well, you know what? You miss this little guy. I crawled right through the little bars.

PIRRO: OK. But what about the aliens?

GUTFELD: No. Don’t worry about it. You know what, that was a long time ago. The big story here is they covered up this story to win an election. That’s the big story. You wonder why there was, you know, rally in January 6 is because people intuited. Is that a word?

PIRRO: Yes.

TYRUS: It is. Why not?

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Yes, I’ll take that. That things corrupt. Up next, Biden goes to great pains to blame it on border agent’s rain.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: They just can’t get a grip that there were never any whips. Were border agents get the punishment they feared even though their case was cleared? They were just trying to control the horses, but the DHS still punish them, of course says. Department of Homeland Security is preparing to discipline Border Patrol agents falsely accused of whipping migrants last September.

I guess this is their version of law and order at the border. But you remember the tail, the one proven to be total B.S. after reasonable minds pointed out that the agents were holding reins for controlling horses, not whips? Now despite that, they’ve already clipped and cleared it with criminal conduct. A federal source tells Fox News the DHS will hit them with administrative violations and they’ll be given a chance to defend themselves. Oh nice.

I’d say Biden’s beating a dead horse. But he might try to arrest himself. Now of all this stinks like Amber Heard’s bed after a chili cook off. It’s because at the time that this fake news hit the media was all too eager to run with the whips lie. The media then never admitted they blew it and ignored the story after the agents were cleared. Worse, you all said DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas and the president saying stuff like this.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS, SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: Our entire nation, so horrifying images that do not reflect who we are, who we aspire to be, for the integrity and values of our truly heroic personnel in the Department of Homeland Security.

BIDEN: It was horrible what you saw, to see people treated like they did, horses barely running them over, people being strapped. It’s outrageous. I promise you, those people will pay.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, we’re all paying, right? Five bucks for gas. 20 percent of our 401(k) is gone. But thankfully a picture paints a thousand words. Too bad Joe Biden doesn’t have the stones to say any of them. Like, I’m sorry. Right, Rob? What is it — white can’t — wouldn’t it be amazing if Biden actually apologized to these guys?

SMITH: It will be amazing but it’s never going to happen. And, you know, when he made that statement when he said videos of people being strapped like there’s some joke between that and Hunter Biden’s laptop somewhere. I don’t think I’m smart enough to put it together. But this is what I call sort of the Jussie Smollett School of Media reporting, right? So, there is a lie that goes out and it is a lie and Kamala Harris repeats it and Joe Biden repeats and everybody repeats it.

And then it is proven to be a lie. And these people never apologize. They never go back on it. They just continue going on. Maxine Waters who represents one of the poorest, most destitute districts in the country literally said that that was worse than slavery.

GUTFELD: Right.

SMITH: She is on record as having said that. She will never apologize. It’s outrageous.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think they just assume everybody is so stupid, right? That they don’t have to apologize, Tyrus. Like all these idiots still never remember. And maybe they’re right about their followers. But we remember everything here because we’re really smart. We take our Prevagen. So, here’s the deal. We — they were already —

TYRUS: Go ahead.

GUTFELD: We’re not on T.V. right now. OK. Somebody leaked this. And the reason why they leaked it, my theory is because it was sitting on somebody’s desk. They knew these guys were innocent but their DHS wasn’t going to do anything about it. So, some brave person leaked it to Fox. This is my theory. And now they’re going to have to deal with it.

TYRUS: Well, somebody said, let’s force their hand.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: Exactly.

TYRUS: They were going to be disciplining them for the next three years.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: Until it went away. So, now what they’re going to do now is I’m going to say they didn’t fill out their horse release paperwork on the day. They didn’t sign, you know Buttercup out properly, didn’t have her back in the stall by the time they got back and that is egregious.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: It’s animal cruelty. And just so happens that that horse was black. So, we also have a hate crime. Yes, they do. But identified as a sheep and was put in the wrong stall. So, there was a whole lot of issues there. And apparently also I’m sad to report they use the wrong pronoun with the horse. So, they are all suspended without pay for four hours.

GUTFELD: Kat, you blog about the border constantly.

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Yes. It’s amazing. The in-depth analysis that you put on this talk —

TIMPF: Yes. That’s Catherine Seaton.

TYRUS: Bret Baier?

GUTFELD: What do you think they’re — what do you think they’re going to do with this? What kind of punishment do you think is going to — they’re going to meet out?

TIMPF: Well, like, we don’t know what happened.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I spent so much time. Well, I’m sure yes, I’m sure it’s Tyrus’ thing. I spent so much — so much time reading all these articles. They’re all the same, like administrative errors. Well, it’s like, what does that mean?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: What does that like my — I think my whole life has been a series of administrative errors.

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Like, what exactly were they? And were they less egregious than publicly accusing them of whipping people?

GUTFELD: Right.

TIMPF: Because that to me is horrible. And I think everybody thinks that that’s horrible. It’s just a matter of who actually even knows that that happened or not. There could be people who see this headline and they just think maybe the administrative error is the whipping because a lot of people don’t bother to read stories anymore. They just form opinions based on headlines.

GUTFELD: Yes, I think that’s called Geraldoing.

TYRUS: Yes.

GUTFELD: Sorry.

SMITH: (INAUDIBLE)

GUTFELD: Oh, terrible. And he’s not here to defend himself as well which I like. Judge, there’s a lot of bad people in the story. But it’s the media exact — it’s exactly what Rob said. The media and the politicians played this thing up, and now they just act like it never happened.

PIRRO: You know what I just don’t understand is if the Biden administration doesn’t want Border Patrol on horses, then why do they send them to the border? Like what is the point? Are they supposed to stop the immigrants? Organize them in some way? Because if that’s not what they want them to do, then they’re paying them for something that they really don’t want to pay them for, and that they don’t want them to do.

The truth is they’re doing their job. They don’t have a president who will stand up for them and they’ve got the left that’s telling the president, you’ve got to punish these people. They haven’t done anything criminal. That’s already been established. So what they’re trying to do is they’re trying to make them look like bad people because they thought rains and not whips. So maybe they should just outlaw the horses.

GUTFELD: There you go.

PIRRO: You know, if you outlaw horses like guns then there won’t be any more problems.

GUTFELD: There you go.

PIRRO: That’s all they have to do.

GUTFELD: All right. Up next. We got to rename the pox says the world’s top docks. You’re going to love this.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Will the pox get renamed so monkeys won’t feel ashamed? The WHO gets bitter about diseases named after a critter. The World Health Organization is changing the name of monkey pox because name shouldn’t reference places or animals and it could be stigmatizing. True. But what exactly is stigmatizing? The monkey part or the pox part? Or the fact that you got infected from anonymous depraved sex at outdoor concerts? It’s why I stopped eating bananas at Lollapalooza.

But it’s the name they got a problem with. Virologist saying in the context of the current global outbreak continued reference to and nomenclature — scroll that back there — of this virus being African is not only inaccurate, but it’s also discriminatory, and stigmatizing. How could it be discriminatory? And what about these guys? Yes. Kat has no idea what we’re talking about.

JEANINE PIRRO, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: OK, yes.

TYRUS, FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR: The millennials are struggling.

PIRRO: Yes, I’m looking at Kat.

GUTFELD: The organizations director, General Tedros Ghebreyesus, we’ll just call him Ted says, they’ll make the announcement ASAP. That stands for as soon as possible, Kat. But what a relief to the victims. I may be covered with ulcers and sores, but at least I’m not being stigmatized.

PIRRO: What?

GUTFELD: But of course, this is the same Woke Health Organization that had a problem with Wuhan virus. And we saw how that whole thing turned out. My bat fillet stand at the wet market and never recovered.

It’s true. Sounds delicious. And really, if they’re worried about animal names, what about their hippo-cratic oath? I know, I know, it’s disgusting. We go now to the doctor in charge of changing the name.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

TEXT: Thank you all for coming. Please stop saying “monkey pox.” It’s offensive. Simply refer to it as the vacation rave orgy skintastic pix. Now, I’ll take questions.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Doctor, can we call it the chimp pox?

TEXT: No, that’s much worse. To my left.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Doctor, can well call it Gorilla-fluenza?

TEXT: Under no circumstances. You over there?

TEXT: What’s up with chicken pox? We’re supposed to let that slide?

TEXT: Uh, next question.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Yes, Doctor, everyone is wondering, when can we go back to having sex with monkeys?

TEXT: This press conference is over.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Tyrus, I’ve been trying to come up with names. Do you have any, any new names?

TYRUS: No, but I do have just a slight observation. So, the big thing was the stigmatism that some, like, think of it as racist. But they made a racist or a horrible stereotype in their thing saying that only monkeys come from Africa, right? Ever been to South America? Have you been down there? They got (BLEE) a ton of monkeys down there. So, you’re going to get rid of the name, so you’re going to get rid of smallpox? Of course.

GUTFELD: Right?

TYRUS: Because that’s very offensive.

GUTFELD: That’s true. There is no large pox, is there?

TYRUS: No, we’re healthy. Top of the food chain, like if we were puppies, we eat — you just pee on yourself over there and Judge Jeanine adopts you and nurses you back to health.

PIRRO: Could ride in my (INAUDIBLE) with my dogs.

TYRUS: You’re the one that she’s got a hold and put a little purse because the little ladies can’t keep up with the other one.

GUTFELD: Just created a whole narrative about my life.

TYRUS: So, you know, change that.

TIMPF: Yes, I hate for someone to do that to me.

TYRUS: Well, speaking of chicken pox.

GUTFELD: Yes.

ROB SMITH, TURNING POINT USA: Well, the thing about — nobody’s asking them to change the name of chickenpox because like Kevin Spacey got offended because it was a kind of boys he likes. I mean, you know, nobody asked, nobody at asked that.

PIRRO: Chicken walk.

SMITH: Yes, exactly.

GUTFELD: There you go.

SMITH: But I’m very interested as to was there some sort of like monkey rights organization that, that you know, made this sort of push for this?

PIRRO: Exactly.

SMITH: and that these are the same people that kind of the World Health Organization’s and all these left-wing people, the same people that give you tampons and men’s bathroom. OK, so we need to stop listening to all of them.

GUTFELD: You know, Judge, this monkey pox is spread by anal sex at raves. Care to comment?

PIRRO: No, no, it’s caused by humans having sex with monkeys?

GUTFELD: No, it’s — well, no —

PIRRO: That’s it is. I just read it.

GUTFELD: But it is spread by anonymous sex.

PIRRO: No, no, no, no —

GUTFELD: Anal sex, Judge.

(CROSSTALK)

PIRRO: Well, maybe after — what did you say?

TYRUS: No one introduces himself to the monkey. Good evening, I’m Tyrus, thank you for coming.

PIRRO: Hey, listen, you’re my kind of guy. Listen, here’s the thing. The monkeys are not suing, who cares?

GUTFELD: I know. But you know what, I believe —

TYRUS: And one last thing. That monkey is from Asia.

GUTFELD: Oh really?

PIRRO: Yes, India. That’s from India.

SMITH: Tyrus says something about monkeys having sex against a well are we back to the Hunter Biden laptop again?

TYRUS: You did it?

GUTFELD: All right, Kat, let’s get some mature analysis going.

TIMPF: Yes, Katherine C. Timpf is here.

GUTFELD: Yes, can you tie this into the Monetary Fund?

TIMPF: Oh, absolutely — listen, sometimes I have trouble because I’m up all night reading about the Monetary Fund. And I don’t get enough sleep. No, I could be a scientist. I realized.

GUTFELD: Why?

TIMPF: Because I didn’t want to be, because I didn’t really like to do science.

GUTFELD: Right, but —

TIMPF: They don’t do science.

GUTFELD: No, they don’t.

TIMPF: They just say stuff.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: I got a lot of experience doing that.

GUTFELD: Yes, you do. You do. The priorities, the priorities now are words, overtreatment.

TIMPF: I can go in there and help them name the pox. I can go up there and just say stuff about stuff. I already been doing that for years. How could I not be the next Fauci?

GUT I don’t know. Have you come up have you come up with any work let me like — oh, so it’s sex you get it outdoor festivals —

TIMPF: Bummer pox.

GUTFELD: What?

TIMPF: Bummer pox because it’s a bummer and butt got it? Boom.

GUTFELD: Wow, I was going to go with festive ulcers.

TIMPF: That’s, well, that’s —

GUTFELD: No?

SMITH: Festive ulcers.

GUTFELD: Yes, festive ulcers.

SMITH: Oh.

GUTFELD: All right, enough of this crap. Coming up that’s getting published take more persuasion if you’re old and Caucasian.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Is it impossible to voice a plight if you’re old, cranky and white? A writer of a suspense novel made comments that forced him to grovel. Bestselling novels, James Patterson, claimed that older white males face a different kind of racism. You know, just like my tryout for the Harlem Globetrotters. In an interview, he said, can you get a job? Yes. Is it harder? Yes. It’s even harder for older writers. He adds, you don’t meet many 52-year-old white males. The same thing Disney Security said to me at the teacups.

So, that’s what he said on Sunday. I bet you can guess what he said on Monday. Tweeting, “I apologize for saying white male writers having trouble finding work. It’s a form of racism. I absolutely do not believe that racism is practice against white writers. Please know that I strongly supported diversity of voices being heard in literature, in Hollywood, everywhere.” That was a close one, nor did he blink while reading a statement like a POW who’d shot down over (INAUDIBLE).

But obviously, he’s wrong, white’s not getting hired due to their race to hire someone else because of their race isn’t racism, its inclusion, right? Fun fact, James Patterson has written two novels with Bill Clinton: “The President is Missing” and “The President’s Daughter.” Apparently, they’re working on a third book called the president is missing and so is your daughter.

PIRRO: So you is your daughter.

GUTFELD: Kat. Kat, should he have apologized?

TIMPF: I don’t think he should have apologized because he was clearly not sorry. He didn’t, that wasn’t really an apology. He just said, I apologize, I don’t think that, but he didn’t explain like, OK, well then, why, why did you say that?

Or why do you feel differently now? He just was saying, if you really break down that apology, what he said was, I didn’t realize people would be mad, and I don’t like that they are. Like, that’s it. And I think that when people apologize, they’re not really sorry, it makes it impossible for someone to apologize when you are sorry, because there’s so many of them that nobody believes you.

GUTFELD: But if you kill and apologizing when you don’t mean it, your life is over. We see this play out over and over. Tyrus, you have a lot of thoughts on old white men, don’t you?

TYRUS: No, I’m going to miss them. For a good chunk of my life, they were my excuse for anything went wrong in my day. Now, apparently, they need help. I don’t think it’s ever — first of all, never apologize. And if you’re, maybe talk to your friends. Whenever you want to get on a podium and say something, you got to be able to stand by it.

GUTFELD: Right.

TYRUS: Obviously, with the way things are going right now, I would imagine being an old white male, 52-years-old, trying to write a book or a novel probably is going to be treated the same as it was 50 years ago when the old brother was trying to write a novel. Because they are now the thing you don’t want to be, because they’re not woke.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: They’re from a different time. They’re dinosaur. They have white privilege. They have all these horrible things. What old white men need to start doing, instead of apologizing is standing up for themselves and saying when he said that he should have been, it shouldn’t be like that. It should be based on merit. It’s not about that’s the problem. It’s not about equality, it’s, it’s about having advantage.

GUTFELD: There you go.

TYRUS: Because you get advantage. You want to exclude the group that’s already there.

GUTFELD: There you go.

TYRUS: So, white — all white men are feeling it. And why people in general, because you’re allowed — we can punch you in the face. You know, I’ll won’t even say anything — you actually say, thank you.

TIMPF: I just want to add that I love old men.

GUTFELD: You do. You do.

TIMPF: I just — because they all love me so much.

GUTFELD: Judge, that’s disgusting.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: What bugs me about this is this guy is super successful.

PIRRO: Exactly.

TIMPF: Yes, he’s so rich.

GUTFELD: He’s got real money, why apologize? You have FU-money. FU-money is designed, so you never apologize.

PIRRO: Right, you’re one of the most successful authors in the country in history. And you’re not 52-years-old.

GUTFELD: Yes, he’s like, 80, right?

PIRRO: He’s — I just looked it up, he’s 75. Where did 52 come from?

GUTFELD: I have no idea.

PIRRO: OK, you know what? He has no, right saying that. This guy has all the benefits of having been a pro and succeeding. And what caused him to even say that? Why would he feel discriminated against? I mean, really, get a life.

GUTFELD: He probably, he probably, it’s his books not selling, that’s what it is.

PIRRO: Well, that’s because he’s — Bill Clinton going after his daughter. What did you say?

TYRUS: We beat Dolly Parton. Her little book. They wrote a book together.

PIRRO: He wrote a book called Dolly Parton?

TYRUS: See, did that well.

You know, Rob, do you think this saw — is this one of those things that doesn’t solve anything?

SMITH: It doesn’t. So, I’m going to say what I say all the time on my podcast, can’t cancel Rob Smith. Do not apologize. Never apologize because the woke mob does not want your apologies. They want your submission, right? So, all they want is the control of you to apologize. I’m going to try to be as succinct as possible when I say this. Historically, old white dudes have gotten a lot of opportunity.

So, now, that has changed, and they’re trying to give young diverse voices, a lot of opportunities, and maybe old white dudes aren’t being looked at in the way that they weren’t before. Does that happen? Yes. Was he — was there an element of correction of correctness into what he said? Yes. But jumping and calling it racism was like the third rail and if I was his publicist, I would have been pulling my hair out. So, that tweet, that apology was literally tweeted behind the barrel of a shotgun.

GUTFELD: Right.

SMITH: He probably didn’t even write it, and it’s just all going to blow over.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, I think we learned a lot. If a lot means nothing.

SMITH: Yes.

GUTFELD: We have learned nothing, which is the mark of a great show. Up next, is seeing your face on Zoom, make you want to leave the room?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS.”

GUTFELD: Staring at yourself is bad. I go to the expert, Kat, study says staring at yourself on Zoom puts you in a bad mood. What do you think?

TIMPF: So, it depends, staring yourself on Zoom — like, I don’t really look that good, so (INAUDIBLE) me out.

GUTFELD: Don’t say that.

TIMPF: Staring myself in a mirror, depends on the lighting. But there’s one place that staring at yourself always makes you happy, that’s if you’re walking down the street you look at yourself in a store window. I always look so good. And then you go inside you look in the mirror and you’re like (BLEEP).

GUTFELD: Yes. I never get tired of looking at myself, Judge. There’s always something new in my face that I never discovered before.

PIRRO: I’m happy for you.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes, it’s amazing. I can stare at myself for hours.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Sometimes I do.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Without even a mirror.

PIRRO: Can you ask your question?

TYRUS: Ask the question.

GUTFELD: What do you think?

TIMPF: Excellent work.

PIRRO: OK. The worst thing is staring at yourself on a Zoom call because you’re so self-critical, you get crazy. All right. So, I don’t like that. I’d rather be on the phone. And the truth is, you know, Zoom. If you’re Jeffrey Toobin, I mean, you should never go on Zoom.

SMITH: Oh, no.

PIRRO: You know? So, just look at your face. That could be a good thing.

GUTFELD: Yes. Well, you know, Rob, isn’t it, it’s kind of weird to think about it that you have your face your entire life, yet you never really get sick of it. Is that interesting?

SMITH: It is interesting. I mean, I personally only prefer to look at myself through Fox News studio lighting.

GUTFELD: Yes, it is amazing.

SMITH: I think, it’s I think that that’s where I’m at my best.

GUTFELD: Yes, no, it’s amazing. This thing makes everybody —

TIMPF: Better than a store window? I don’t think so.

GUTFELD: I don’t know, I don’t know. If you saw me outside here, I looked like quasi moto. Here, even I’d sleep with me. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I do.

SMITH: OK.

GUTFELD: Where am I? Am I on T.V. still? Tyrus? Are we —

TYRUS: For another about six minutes? Yes, we are.

GUTFELD: Yes, it’s got — we got like, I don’t know how much time we have, 30 seconds, 40 seconds?

TYRUS: OK, this, this is stupid.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: And I’m just going to put my sexist hat on for a minute.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TYRUS: OK. This is obviously written by a husband desperately trying to get his wife to stop looking at herself while he’s talking to her. It has nothing to do because every time you talk to him, they’re going like this yes. And he’s like, so, I broke my leg and this happened. Stop looking at yourself to see if your hair looks good. Look at lion, Judge, Kat, that’s what you do. And we’re trying to tell you a story and you’re looking at yourself the whole time.

GUTFELD: That is so true.

TIMPF: That’s not true.

GUTFELD: That’s so true.

TIMPF: But I — look at my own Instagram to see how the world might perceive me.

GUTFELD: It is so true.

SMITH: Do you see that people walking down the street doing like that?

GUTFELD: oh, I want to shoot him with —

SMITH: A lot of that —

GUTFELD: — love pimples.

TYRUS: OK, go home. Next time, next time you FaceTime or Zoom your wife, Gutfeld, watch how many times she admires herself while you talk.

GUTFELD: I will.

TYRUS: She’ll just stop you like, so, I’m writing this —

GUTFELD: Yes. They just don’t pay attention — you know, these spouses get sick of your face.

TYRUS: The guy is just too scared to say something. Shame on you.

PIRRO: Yes, they do. (INAUDIBLE) your face.

GUTFELD: They get sick at everything. I don’t even know what that means.

PIRRO: Yes.

GUTFELD: Which means.

TYRUS: I do.

GUTFELD: Yes.

PIRRO: Time to go.

GUTFELD: We’re over. In more ways than one. We’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thank you, Judge Jeanine, Rob Smith, Tyrus, Kat Timpf, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with evil Shannon Bream is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld. I love you America.

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